Having difficult conversations book8/17/2023 ![]() The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. How have you contributed to the problem? How has the other person?.What are your needs and fears? Are there any common concerns? Could there be?.Who is the opponent? What might they be thinking about this situation? Are they aware of the problem? If so, how do you think they perceive it? What are their needs and fears? What solution do you think they would suggest? Begin to reframe the opponent as partner.Try to adjust your attitude for maximum effectiveness. If you truly believe that whatever happens, some good will come of it, that will likely be the case. How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? If you think this is going to be horribly difficult, it probably will be.What personal history is being triggered? You may still have the conversation, but you’ll go into it knowing that some of the heightened emotional state has to do with you. What “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at your “backstory,” as they say in the movies.Impact does not necessarily equal intent. What assumptions are you making about this person’s intentions? You may feel intimidated, belittled, ignored, disrespected, or marginalized, but be cautious about assuming that this was the speaker’s intention.Work on yourself so that you enter the conversation with a supportive purpose. Some purposes are more useful than others. You think you want to support, but you end up punishing. You may think you have honorable goals, like educating an employee or increasing connection with your teen, only to notice that your language is excessively critical or condescending. What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome?.Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the Conversationīefore going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions: You’ll notice one key theme throughout: you have more power than you think. What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation some useful concepts to practice during the conversation and some tips and suggestions to help you stay focused and flowing in general, including possible conversation openings. Still, you feel stuck, and you’d like to free up that stuck energy for more useful purposes. Or maybe you fear that talking will only make the situation worse. Those times when you know you should talk to someone, but you don’t. (In fact, I list several excellent resources at the end of this article). ![]() There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. Think of a conversation you’ve been putting off. We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations by Judy Ringer
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